Insecurities of men.

 I am sure I am not the only one. I can't be. 

There are lots of encouraging and uplifting memes and posts for women and their struggles. You know the ones.... Body image and work and relationships and being a mom. Well, men have these insecurities too, but you don't see them being uplifted. 

I think it's because people either feel that we just have to man up, stuff it deep inside, and move on or they truly believe that men don't struggle like women do. 

And that is a load of bull. 

I struggle with a lot of issues. I am positive there are multitudes of men that are the same. Seriously….. just look at suicide rates. We just feel like we will be brushed aside and minimized because we are guys. There is no way we can feel as deep or second guess ourselves or struggle from unfair judgement like women. Right?

 Just being a guy can be hard. For me, I am not exactly the most masculine guy. I mean yeah, I look the part, I guess, but I just don't have that confrontational arrogance that exudes love of sports, cars, and objectifying women. I am a guy that can just about do anything I set my mind to from cooking dinners to using power tools to sewing to doing science experiments. I pretty smart too. I am sensitive and emotional, and I would like to think that I and pretty empathetic. I just come off as being overly odd. 

I struggle with my job at times. I am a teacher and I am one of those "I can change the world one kid at a time!" kind of teachers. But there are days more often than not that I get to the end and think, "What the hell am I doing?" It was a disaster and I feel like I made no difference at all. I worry most of the time if I am doing a good enough job or I am making the class challenging but not too challenging.

I wonder if my bosses don't want me there anymore or if I am more trouble than I am worth. Most of all, I just don't want someone to say something I did or said is misinterpreted or untrue that could make me lose my job. Honestly, it's easy to do to a teacher (especially a male teacher) and there is no going back no matter if I am exonerated or not. That is a real fear I have.

I struggle with being a husband. Those who know me would be surprised I am sure. I talk about my wife all the time and I dote on her and show her how deeply I love her every chance I get. I struggle though. I am a Christian and I am tasked with leading my family. It is clear in the Bible what being a leader of the house means. It means that the husband is the last say on the decisions that affect our marriage as a family. And, I just don’t feel like I am getting done.

Honestly, I think it is meant for the husband to protect his wife from the guilt of poor choices. Let me be clear, it is not for the husband to command or dominate. He is to love and seek council and wisdom from his wife but in the end the choice is his and if it goes wrong, he bears the responsibility. That way his wife is spared guilt and shame. 

That is so hard of a job that I struggle with letting her down and disappointing her. She depends on me to make wise choices and to protect her and to make sure she will never have a need or want. Honestly? There are times where I just don't know what the hell I am doing. 

I dote on her but also feel like I am not doing enough or taking care of her enough or giving her enough support for her feelings and mental health and stuff. She gets worn out and depressed sometimes and I feel like it is my fault that I can't do anything or unable to change it at times. I am supposed to be able to support her and lift her up out of it. But there are days I lay next to her at night thinking I make no difference at all. I lay there not feeling like I deserve the affection she is giving me.

I have found that being a Dad is the most challenging and most morale spirit breaking role I play. I look at my kids and constantly wonder.... Am I saying the right thing? Am I coddling too much or not enough? Am I giving just the right amount of wisdom? Am I letting them be independent enough? And on and on and on the questions go. The second guessing. I feel like I am failing at this dad thing all the time. And you know what? I really don't know if they are going to be alright or not. They seem to be struggling in so many ways but I just don't know what else to do. You know? 

I look to the men in my life and wonder..... How did they do it? I look at the man my dad is and think that he is the superman of husbands and fathers. I am nothing compared to him and how can I live up to be a man like him? My grandpa was an old school man of the house type and I disagreed with many of his "man of the house" philosophies, but he taught me so much about integrity and confidence and that nothing is out of my reach to learn. I fail at so much but then I am able to do so much at the same time and it is because of the type of man he was. I just don't feel like I could ever measure up to him. 

In the end I know that maybe I should not feel like I have to live up to them or strive to be who they are. But in my mind, they are such great men and I want to be like them. But I struggle. I feel like I am falling short all the time. I feel like I am just one poor choice or one wrong sentence from catastrophe. 

And I am guessing I am not the only man that feels that way.

No matter what, tomorrow is coming. It always does. I have been learning that the number of men lately that choose not to face it is increasing. That is not me and I have a lot of grit to keep going. I have my wife that keeps me going no matter how scared I am that I am not being enough for her. I have my boys that need me to keep talking and keep pressing on even when I think they think I am not being the dad they need. I keep going because I just do and I can't explain why I do. I keep going even when it's hard and I am unsure. I keep going because I just keep going.

Anyway, just remember. Men struggle too. Most of the time it is silent or they express it behind closed doors. We do struggle, though, and the more encouragement we get will give us that little bit more of strength to keep stepping forward. . . . To keep at it the next day. And the next. And the next. Even when we feel like we don't know what the hell we are doing.