I won't let pain turn me into someone else

 It so easy, isn't it? 

When you have been hurt or betrayed or taken advantage of, it is easy to let the pain and anger drive you to be or do things that go against your own sense of self. 

Its so easy. Isn't it?

I have said before that the way a person treats you or what they say about you will tell more about them than what they are saying about or doing to you. It's because people hide their pain trying to hurt or expose another person's pain or faults. And if they are hurting a lot then they are hurting others a lot. 

And that is where the memes come in.... You know the ones. . . . "I'll give respect when I get respect"...... "I don't cross oceans for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for me"...."I'll match energy with people, if they yell at me, I yell at them. If they don't text me, I don't text them".... And on and on and on. 

Well, I'm not going to do that. And while I will get taken advantage of or mistreated or disrespected, having that kind of mentally is not in my nature or spirit. It's not who I am personally. This type of mentality is not giving or kind. It is transactional. It is the mindset that if you get something on the front end or in payment for something you did or said, then you will give back the same. And that is not the way I operate as a person. 

I don't like the way it feels to be angry or spiteful or vengeful. It doesn't feel right..... Like how you feel when you are just beginning to get sick. You feel "okay" but you can tell there is something just a little off. That's the way it feels for me. It goes against my moral fiber and it actually makes me feel off.... Like there might be something physically wrong with me. 

Isn't that weird? 

But you see, people take those feelings and emotions and hold onto them and bask in them and revel in them. They will let those emotions drive the way they treat people to the point where everything has to have a payoff. Nobody gets a chance. . . .ever. Everything they do ends up being and endeavor of getting something or some status in return. And then they live life wondering why they're not happy or feel good about themselves or know what joy is like. They wonder why they feel alone or aren't able to get close or even feel close to another person. They are always looking for what they are able to receive from others. And the pain and the resentment and this treatment to others only deepens over time.

And that is not me. 

And I will not let pain and anger and spite of not receiving from others for what I give freely drive how I treat and do for people. It is not who I am as a person. 

And I will not let pain change me into someone I am not. 

You know why? 

Because those things that might hurt someone else does not cause me pain to begin with. 

It doesn't cause me pain because I do and say things willingly and without expectation. That's why. I believe it is Christ in me to be like that. I offer my help or my kindness or my respect because I want to . . . not because I expect anything in return. It is because it is in my nature and in my heart to be that way. It is what feels right. I would rather feel right all day long than to give back what I am given. . . "drop to their level." 

And that is why I will not treat you like you treat me. I will not "match your energy". I will not wait for your respect to give you respect. And I will do for you even when you refuse to do anything for me. 

I will not be that person. 

And I will not let your actions coerce or control my actions.

Because that type of person is not who I am. 

And, I will not be someone I am not.

Do you wish you had met her Earlier?

 I was asked if I wish I would have met my wife earlier. I said no.

They were surprised since I am crazy about my wife and I never miss a chance to talk about her. They would have guessed that I would have wanted to know her as a high school sweetheart or something like that. They can't believe I would not take the chance to be able to know her longer and be able to love her for more time. 

But, if my wife and I met each other sooner than when we did, our lives would be much different today. I would even hazard to guess that we would not even have gotten married. 

You see my wife had a few hard lessons when it came to relationships. It first started when a boy got her drunk and then talked her into oral sex promising that he wouldn't end it a certain way.... Well he lied. To make it worse, he never acknowledged she existed after that because he got what he wanted out of her. Then another boy convinced her to sleep with him and she though he really liked her..... Yeah, we know how that turned out. 

The came the boy that truly broke her heart. More like shattered it. She was in a relationship with a guy for about three or four years. She had a pregnancy scare with him but she believed this was the guy that would ask her to marry him. And just when she thought the time was coming up, she found him with another girl. And to add to the pain and brokenness, he told her that he got that other girl pregnant. 

She was broken and her spirit was shattered and her self esteem was at an all time low. After almost 3 years of throwing herself into her college and transferring to a University that was hours away from home..... From him..... She showed up to the college I was going to. 

And that is where we met. 

Honestly, if her heart had not been broken and if she was not betrayed by those other guys, I bet she would not have given me a second look. She wouldn't have recognized me for the good man she needed in her life. She would have not been able to understand the type of loyalty I was capable of giving her. She would have never been able to understand what was truly like to be treated the way a life long wife should be treated. 

That's why I would not have wanted to meet her sooner. She would have not had those horrible experiences that opened her eyes to who I was. I hate that she had to be broke and scared and it took a long time for her to build trust with me. But I understood. I knew it would take time. And I took that time to gain the trust. 

Like I have written before.... I told her that I loved her first and she didn't say it back. And, I was ok with that because she knew what it was like to have a broken heart and I didn't. 

So, yeah. Do I wish I met her sooner? No. We met at the right time in our lives to have lived life long enough to know we were meant to be together. It was a God thing. That's why.