It is set. I have drawn the line in my mind and I am not going back.... No matter what will come of it.
I am thinking of all kinds of worse case scenarios (which includes losing my wife and that terrifies me) but I have made up my mind and once I do that..... Well, once I do that, I will break my heart and soul and still go through with it.
Last I wrote, I had decided to go in a lay it all out to my son's psychiatrist. And I did. I was hysterical and raving mad for almost an hour. It was ..... Well, it was not pretty and I didn't feel much in control. But my shaking came to a crescendo and afterwards it calmed down to going away.
There was no going back after that. That day was the day that I set in motion the events I am not going to go back on.
I said out loud that he has to get out of my house..... And I said it in front of him.
What I was planning to say ...... I did say...... all those things and more.
Thank God my wife went with me and mediated us afterwards. She didn't go in with us but she knew I was going to do something drastic...... Something desperate. And she was there after.... My blessing..... My comfort. She drove home while I unwound..... While I decompressed. . . . While I shrank into my own mind and feelings.
I then contacted my mental health insurance and got a therapist for me. The very first session was about how to get him out of my house. I set the line. I have set my mind to it and no matter how much shame..... No matter how much guilt..... No matter how much pain I will endure before or after it is done..... No matter what I may end up losing..... I am going to hold that line against all of it.
And it will hurt......I will suffer...... It is inevitable.
How much it will hurt and how much I suffer still remains a mystery. In my mind I am going to lose it all. But hey, melodramatic is kinda part of this gig, right?
The therapist seemed to understand what needed to be done and said that he would send me names and numbers of places that will take him. And that will be the fuse. That is the missing piece that will set everything into motion.
And I hate every thought that is coming into my mind and heart because of it.
And so that is where I am at right now. Waiting for that fuse. And once I get it, I will light it. And once it's lit, the clock is ticking to when it will all blow.
So, it is a short waiting game now.
This is far from over. But then, it seems like it will be too fast.
