Love story #14 A lesson to my son about marriage

 The other day I told my son I was going to take a day trip up to the Ark and it would be just me and his mom. He said he wanted to go, and I told him no, that it would be just his mom and I going this time.

Well, today he brought it up again. He said he was very sad and hated that we decided to go just the two of us without him.

I said.... Son, let me give you a bit of advice and a lesson you should learn well.

Your mommy and I need to to spend more time together as you and your brother are older now. I think that couples get a little too distanced as they have kids and forget why they love each other so much while taking care of their kids. Don't get me wrong, your mom and I love you guys very very much. It is normal for parents to pour their whole lives into raising kids. But as the kids get older and more self sufficient, parents find themselves having more time to spend with each other. The problem is that they may forget what it was like to spend time with each other before they had kids.

It is just that I think sometimes parents forget what it was like to be with each other before having kids. They are pressured to believe that they are not good parents if they feel that they need to nurture their marriage by spending time alone. That would mean they would have to let someone else care for their baby or toddler or tween while they are out for a night.... God forbid we should think of such a thing! And then they lose that need to want to be with each other. Parents who pour their every waking minute into their children forgetting that they are married and need to love on their spouse is why a lot of people get divorced after the kids move on to their own lives. 

I want you to remember this.. . what I am saying. I want you to remember that having kids is very special and can make your lives so much more but you can't let your kids squeeze out why you married your wife in the first place. You have to remember that your job is to raise them to be independent adults with their own lives and you must keep in touch with your wife so that you don't forget or lose the connection that brought you two together in the first place. 

That is why it will only be your mom and I. I like spending time with her. Spending time with her is her love language and when I spend time with her, she is more loving and cuddly which is my love language. We feed each other's needs that way.

You see? Does that make sense? 

Well, he said no. He didn't understand why we had to go alone and why we wanted to leave him behind. All I could say after that was - Look, when you leave home to live your own life, it will be just your mommy and me. I don't want to get to that point and have nothing left to love her for because we ended up at a point where we were only together to finish our job of raising our kids. That was never the reason I married her and will not be the reason. She and I are going to spend that time together and I hope you remember this day. I am trying to really give you a vital lesson and advice on how to make you life happier. You see me. You know how it can be done. I just hope you are paying attention. 

Needing value

Having value. Man, is this a topic that breaks people. Wondering if you are valued as much as you value them. This could just drive you crazy. So one of my friends asked if we ever wondered if we struggled with wondering if we were as valued to a person as we valued them. And I really have not thought of it but their comment started my mind thinking... Here is how I responded:

 You know, kid. It is hard not to have that thought cross your mind every once in a while. You know how my wife and I operate, we are all in. But to be honest...... I don't put much thought or energy into wondering how much I value compared to how much I am valued back. For example, I am sure that the value I have of seeing your journey to becoming the woman you are is not quite the same value you place on my random responses and tidbits of wisdom. I have placed a lot of value on relationships that I know was not reciprocated. But is it really important that it is? Well, I guess it depends. And it is relative to each person. My wife will say that she needs me more (her value of me to her) than I need her (my value of her to me). She doesn't feel that my value of her is as great as her value of me. Of course, I disagree. You see? She is just reflecting on how she feels about herself. So let's talk about how we feel about ourselves. It is not really that important if a person values me as much as I value them. My sense of someone's worth is based on selfishness..... What do they give me? In that sense, it doesn't matter how much they think of me because I am getting out of it what I want. There is a catch though. I know how much value I possess. And that is where this all revolves - validation. Do I need to be validated with my value to someone else? Well, I spent long hours and time learning to love who I am and to know that really don't need that kind of validation. It is nice to receive it but not important. I do the things I do and treat people the way I treat them out of a kind heart. I receive from people the things I find valuable without any need for reciprocation. Because I am selfish, you see? And I am good with who I am and know the value of myself without someone having to validate it. I think I rambled a bit there....... I hope all that made sense.

So, here we are again at a very critical part of a person's life. Knowing their value. I call it loving yourself. How many do you know that are in a relationship or are living their lives hanging off getting validation? I would bet a lot. There are a lot of marriages and relationships that are built or torn down because of this. 

Your own value. Your sense of self to the point of knowing that you are unique and that you love who you are and you don't need validation for what you already know. 

But where the hell does that come from? Well, it is learned through an extremely supportive home life or you go through the pain of discovering it on your own. Come to think of it, there are people that have supportive home lives that still struggle with it. So what do I know? 

Find your individual worth and value as a human being that is unique and unlike any other. It is a simple truth..... You ARE unlike any other. Each of us are. And each of us has as much value as any other because of it. I truly believe the whole leaving the 99 for the one thing. For some of us, it is easy but for some, it is a road through hell and pain and insecurity. Start with someone you trust and loves you intensley to tell you how much you have to offer and then start to see it and believe it. I think that might be a place to start.