Causing pain just by being alive

I was told one day by a student that just being alive causes others pain. I said that is an interesting statement, would you like to give me an essay about that? And you know what? She did. and here it is:

Do We Cause Each Other Pain by Being Alive?

                Have you ever pondered upon the idea that we hurt ourselves and the people around us by being alive? I’m sure we all do at some point in our lives. No matter how much we try not to hurt each other, someone always ends up hurt! Our words hurt each other and half the time we never notice it until it’s too late, we’re all very judgmental whether we like it or not, and we all cause ourselves pain by being self-conscious.
               I’m sure we’re all happy there were different ways created to communicate with each other. Of course, though, it can also be a curse. With only a few words, we can ruin a person’s day. Half the time we never realize what we’re doing, and we may end up saying something someone doesn’t like. I’m sure we’ve all done this at least once in our lives. Blah blah blah It’s 10:06 PM and I should be sleeping.
                Even if you don’t want to tell that person what you think, you probably run off to your friends and tell them all about what you think of them. You could even be judgmental in your head. You probably experience both things almost every day… unless you have no friends… like some people (ehem. . . you). I was honestly motivated to do this an hour ago, but I sort of just don’t really feel as motivated anymore. I’m probably going to be up until like 3 AM again. I have sleeping issues. Help.
               Not only are we hurting each other, but we’re hurting ourselves. In our heads, we probably bully ourselves like every day. Worst thing is, we all know our weakest spots and we can upset ourselves so easily. I’m going to keep getting off topic but its like 10:22, so… you know. I was like really serious about this but I have more work to finish for you tonight so I need to hurry up and finish this and stufffff lol.
                In conclusion, we all make ourselves and others around us sad. I’m not gonna do any of this right but I really don’t care. We’re all honestly a horrible race but at the same time we’re amazing but like why do we have to hurt each other and stuff, you know??? lol

       I couldn't help but to have a response to this. I couldn't let her have the last word on this without putting out there a little advice. So this is what I said:

What is it about living life that involves so much pain? Just so you know, the word pain is an interesting word as it is used by people. It could be physical as if being hit somewhere on your body. Or, it could also be emotional and psychological like when someone says that they have a broken heart. It is funny though, as far as your brain is concerned, one type is no different than the other. If you think I am lying . . . you can look it up.

   I was recently told that just being alive causes pain. The pain we cause is not just to others but also ourselves. Wow, that is a heavy thing to contemplate. Pain can be unintentional by what we say either flippantly or without empathy. We throw out just a couple of words with no thought at all that will cause devastation to another’s day. We can distribute pain by being too judgmental without looking at it from our own personal view. It is them . . . not us. We walk around on our high horse speaking about another we don’t like except to that very person themselves. Of course, when this gets around, it hurts and pains the one you are talking about.

   And then there is the pain we inflict upon ourselves. The self-doubt of ourselves can be debilitating. In our minds, our faults are magnified to encompass the entirety of our brains and emotions. It can be suffocating, really, if you think about it too much. Our view of how others view us is one-sided – our side – and without direct confirmation that our fears are unfounded, we are left glancing over our shoulders wondering . . .

   Wondering what are they thinking . . .

  Wondering what are they saying . . .

   There are even those who have so much inner pain, so much inner turmoil, that they will physically hurt themselves to see if it can be any worse than what they are feeling inside. 

And is it? 

I will never know.

   So is it true? Do we cause pain by just being alive? God, I hope not. I have to believe deep down that it is not true. Don’t let me misguide you. I have lived through much of the pain as described above. No one is safe from it. No one can hide. No one can be sheltered enough. But here I am, older now, and I look back and think – How did I rise above all that? What was it that made me plow through and come out to the other side where such things are now trivial? The short answer is, I have no flipping idea. The long answer is that I got to a point where I had to build a fork in the road of my life and then make the right turn.

  I had to make a conscious effort to change not only the way I treated other people and say different things but to also reinvent my mindset. I had to start looking for the good in people and life and myself. I had to train my brain to see silver linings and not to let little things keep me from enjoying life and enjoying the company of others. I had to look at each individual and really see them as an individual - To see them as a unique person. I had to accept that they are not like me and that is perfectly alright and possibly have the chance of making my life better.

   It was not easy. It took time and internal fortitude. It took an endeavor on the scale of ripping every individual fiber out of a tapestry and rearranging them into a new scene. A new outlook. A new picture of what life should look like and feel like. Was it hard? You bet. Did it take a long time? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Well, how can I answer so that you can understand?

 The question is – are you willing to try it yourself? Are you?

                 

    

Love story - part 6 - I said it first

I said it first.
And She did not say it back.

It was another night about three weeks into dating her. I had decided that I was going to only date her and I had let the other one know that I had made my choice. (ummmm. . . . I will have to tell that story another time I think.) Well, we had just gotten back from going out and to tell you the truth, I have no idea where we went or what we did. We had camped out on the couch with me laying with my back against the couch and her leaning up against me. We were watching a movie just enjoying each other's company.

We had up to this point not really been heavy serious and the whole thing had been moving along very slowly. As I was lying there though, I was not paying attention to the movie. I was thinking of how I was feeling. I was thinking of how much I liked to be with her. I liked to talk to her. I looked forward to seeing her every day. Having her in my arms was like having on a well-worn fitted jacket. I was getting in touch with my emotions and I just decided to say out loud how I was feeling.

I said softly from behind her, my lips right beside her ear . . . "I love you."

That moment will forever be etched in my mind. The whole day before that instant is a complete blur and fuzzy. The minute after that statement was said was as crystal clear as if it happened only a minute ago. The moment I proclaimed my love to her, I felt this stiffening in her body and she actually made a small gasping sound right before I felt her hold her breath. She was facing away from me so I couldn't even see her to read an expression. And there we were, my heart racing with fear and adrenaline for my epiphany and her in her tense state of . . . I don't know.

I don't know because she didn't say it back. She didn't say anything. She just froze for a moment. Then she relaxed melting into me a little. But, she said nothing. And she said nothing after that. Or the next morning. Or the next day and I was not going to nag her about it. 

I know what you are thinking. It seems that if there is no reciprocating of such a proclamation that would be a bad sign. Honestly though, did I have to hear it back? Would that have cemented my resolve and affirm our destiny together? No. What was it going to do? Make me un-love her?

The truth is, I didn't need to hear it back. I especially did not want to hear it from her if she didn't mean it and feel it. And, by the way, when was it the end of the world when someone did not say it back to you? What kind of bunk is that kind of thinking? All I knew is that being with her was a whole new kind of thing for me. I was far from the whole jumping in headfirst and proposing but I was starting to emotionally attach myself to her. I was falling for her. It took a couple of weeks but there we were.

Looking back, I bet that was very scary for her. Her heart knew what it was like to be broken and mine didn't. She had a guy that had told her that he loved her. She thought he was "The One." She thought that he would want to marry her. She had years of her life invested in this guy. But, he ended up not wanting her. He ended up cheating with another girl and getting her pregnant. So was it understandable for my now wife to be hesitant in falling in love? Sure it was and I was not going to guilt or shame her into saying or doing anything she didn't want to or truly feel. What kind of relationship can be built on that?

So I was the first to say it. She didn't say it back. And I was okay with that.